21st January
This time, exactly one year ago, was supposed to be my wedding day. For those of you who know me will understand why the day didn’t turn out to be. I don’t sweep things under the rug, and I am open about my experience so if you have a burning question about the details then you know where to find me. But I am here to discuss my progress.
Every single second of every single day was a battle. 365 days ago, I was lost.. I was numb.. I was broken. Everything I knew about myself.. about him.. everything had changed. Thinking about the future overwhelmed me. There were points where I couldn’t handle life anymore. I wanted to end it. I kept saying to myself “Just one more day.. Try one more day.”
I was given advice, and everyone had their opinions on what I should do. Nothing helped. I tuned it out. I wasn’t ready to hear it. I knew me, and every single fibre in my body knew I wasn’t ready for that phase. I was broken to the core, and my body was in shock, not ready to heal. Nobody could understand that but me. But because I am a stubborn Taurus, I knew what was right for me and I stuck to my stubborn mind. That doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate everyones thoughts. I loved the support I received. I wouldn’t be here today with a smile on my face without my friends and family.
The catalyst: there was a point in the middle of all the grief that I decided I needed to mute everything and everyone around me. I withdrew from social groups, I focused on art and creativity. I read books, I listened to podcasts, I started writing. Silence was VITAL for my growth.
I decided to go on antidepressants. Everyone has their opinion on antidepressants but it worked for me, and I am speaking based on my experience. I’m not a doctor so I’m not recommending it, nor am I glorifying it either.
It gave me a clearer understanding of the bigger picture in life and I learned I was able to start making some big decisions. I started a new job. I moved in with people I didn’t know in a new suburb. I started dating and meeting people for the first time again (scary). I changed my hair. I travelled alone. And 365 days later I can finally shut this chapter.
A lot can happen in one year. A year can seem like a long time, and it feels like last year was especially challenging. I slowed everything down and went back to basics. My mindset now has completely shifted, my beliefs different. I’m a little bit more awake and my soul sings. I can love again. I can live again.
21st January – A date that humbles me. A date that marks a second chance at life. A date I no longer have to be afraid of.
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